Reading my diaries from 25 years ago has not been pleasant recently, due to a severe lack of self-confidence leading to problems with my friends because I was paranoid they didn’t actually like me. It was not a good time for me, and I think has had a lasting impact on my ability to make close friends. I hope I grew out of this period quickly so my entries get more pleasant, but suspect it may have continued at some level until I started college two years later.
The build up to this entry was a friend, M, and I shared some of our diary entries and she was not happy about what I’d written about her so I’m feeling a little paranoid about writing about her. Here is the full extract:
M was in a peeve today and it depressed me so much (not that M will believe that as my diary is just a story book. I make everything up and it is all untrue – which is a load of bull shit as I write what I feel and just because it isn’t praising about her she says I am making it up etc. There are lots of things I would like to say about this as it annoys and affects me so much. One thing I can say at least I write what I feel in my diary which she doesn’t! And she says it’s a fairy tale. How does she know what I feel and think. I can you tell you she doesn’t.
Reading back on these entries now, I feel frustrated because I can see how much I contributed to the situation, and how I could have improved things by changing my thoughts and believing my friends did like me. I haven’t wanted to reread my diaries due to the pain of this period and although it is easy to know what to do with hindsight, I am finding it reassuring as I can tell how much I’ve grown during the last quarter of a century.
Do you write the truth in your diary? Have you ever shared journal entries with someone else, if so how did it go? Have you read back on anything painful in your past, how do you feel about it now?