I've learnt I'm a moody cow – journal extract 30th March 1992 - Darktea

So 1992 did not immediately get better after I decided to start a new regime. Although perhaps recognising I’m a “moody cow” is part of self-acceptance process!

I've learnt I'm a moody cow who people find it hard to get on with

Today wasn’t too bad but I’ve learnt I’m a moody cow who people find it hard to get on with.

So there we are, I discovered that people didn’t get on with me because of my behaviour. I think this could have been a real turning point in my life. If I’d understood and believed I can control my behaviour, and not that of other people. Plus if I behaved how I wanted it would attract suitable people into my life. Unfortunately, I don’t think I knew this so I’m not expecting to see a dramatic change in future entries.

I’ve made a mess of my life so far (not that long)

This sentence continues but changes to new topic before concluding this one. “I’ve made a mess of my life so far (not that long) but falling out with xx, xx, xx, xx and xx …” what? What was I thinking about the impact of falling out with my friends? The text becomes fairly bitter and makes me even more curious about the rest of my initial thought.

I must try and organise my life a bit better so I'm ready

I must try and organise my life a bit better so I’m ready.

This is a strange sentence to read because it has no connection to anything else I’ve written in the entry. The previous sentence is about a book I’d read (a sexy book). And the next is “I know its not the end of the world and I’m not acting as it is but stop the world I want to get OFF”.

I’m starting to wonder if I want to continue reading this journal. And if I want to read any of the later ones. Maybe I should destroy this journal, why do I want to keep this reminder of how unhappy I was?